The Myth of the Self Confident Fat Girl

***Let me preface this by stating that the following by no means applies to every larger girl out there, its simply my truth and if there are others out there who feel the same, know that you are not alone!****

Once upon a time there was a girl who had become fat.

To the world she presented a smiling, funny, smart, outgoing self.

She had friends aplenty, but no boyfriend, but that was okay, because everything was okay!!!! With exclamation points!!!!

But when she was alone, in her room, her evil demons would come out to play.  Every evil word she'd had thrown at her would swirl about her head, echoing in her darkened room. Every dirty, mocking face she'd seen would float in front of her eyes and the evil things that had happened to her would scream for attention.  The words and the looks, said and unsaid, seen and unseen, every little imperfection actual or perceived would taunt her, feeding on her insecurity, eating her up inside.

Her perfectly happy, bubbly outside self felt rather..loose about her real self, which is why she began to eat in the first place.  All the space that had once been filled with the confidence and innocence of youth, before the ugly words and faces and bad things began to haunt her and eat her up inside was now empty.  She felt this emptiness profoundly and discovered that food would help her feel full.  It made the ugly things go away, and made her numb.

Numb she could deal with.  Numb was safe.

She travelled the world, seeking out places she had dreamed of, and some she hadn't.  She had experiences galore, but somehow they felt....empty.

That horrible, awful empty.  

Then one day, she met a someone.  This someone somehow saw the thin shadow that had become her real self, buried under the layers of fat that had become placeholders for her confidence, her trust in herself.  He could see the real her and more importantly, he liked what he saw.  Rather quickly, the two of them fell in love.  Rather slowly, but surely, she began to see herself as he saw her: Strong, truly funny, interesting, beautiful, intelligent, deserving of love, and confident.

She started to fill herself up inside, fill it with love, support, trust, and confidence and more. Soon she began to realize that there wasn't any room anymore for the fat. The security blanket-like armour she had surrounded herself with, that had kept her numb was no longer needed. She needed to shed it, as the love from her someone began a spark of feeling inside of her, and she no longer wanted the numb. She wanted to live her life fully, and knew that she could do it.

She began to excercise to shed that weight, she began to count her calories and eat better in general and found that when she indulged, she truly enjoyed it. However, she did come to realize that all that eating had caused her to become extremely addicted to bad foods and she consistently struggled with this one last demon. She hasn't yet defeated this one, but with the continued love and support of her someone, she always has someone to help her back on the wagon when she falls off.

And that is truly beautiful.

Thank you Dave, for being my someone.

Squatters rights....

Hey, I just tried to make that there headline snappy...but this post has nothing to do with squatters and everything to do with squats!

Turns out I've been doing squats wrong and this is probably the cause of some slight knee pain in my left knee after workouts.

While I thought I was doing things properly, I was indeed putting my weight too much forward engaging my quads and my back instead of my glutes and my hamstrings.  And I was wondering why one legged bridge was so damned difficult!  My glutes and hammies were just along for the ride and not getting any stronger.  I can do a regular bridge pose, but throwing that one leg up in the air?  Fahgettaboutit!

When I figured this out, I tried to do a squat with the proper form and dang!  It was tough!  Going to have to blast my glutes n hamstrings in order to bring them up to snuff so I can actually perform this move!

But it'll get done!

For now, I'm just ecstatic that I can do buttkicks relatively easily now, and with minimal pain in my right foot (knock wood!).  Slowly but surely I'm getting stronger, and I'm getting better!

For everybody out there: Proper form when performing circuit training of any type is key!  I'm finding it even more difficult because I'm using body weight instead of artificially isolating muscle groups at the gym and therefore utilizing all my stabilizing muscles.  And they're not exactly in peak form yet, so form can get a bit tricky to keep in line.  I'm taking it slow and doing my best and that's all anybody could ask for!

Until Next Time...

The Importance of Being Earnest...

I know I started the last post with a definition, but just because I can...

Earnest: Adjective: Resulting from or showing intense conviction.

When I started this weight loss journey, something about it was different.  Then I realized that it wasn't something it was someone.  Me.  I was different.  My epiphany on the hillside at Jay Peak had done something to me.  I wanted more.  More from life and more from myself.

I had done diets and getting more active in the past, but this time I was different, my perception was different.

I began to live my life in earnest.  I began to exercise in earnest.

I could say "I began the road to living my life in earnest" but I don't think that true living can only occur once I've reached my end goal.  This process, this rehab of my physical well being is an awakening.  I'm beginning to think of and anticipate being able to do things I couldn't do last year.  I may try water skiing again this summer, if I feel that I have the strength (last year I did a number to my forearms...oof!) for it.

There's a conviction and a strong desire for health and physical evolution here.  This blog is helping with the emotional evolution that must go along with it.

I looked in the mirror this morning and while I could still see that I have a long way to go, I could also see a stronger, more fit person looking back at me.  There's strength in my stance and strength in myself that wasn't there before.  There's less of my physically, but more of me in strength and wellness.  I'm 1 lb away from 30 lbs gone and it feels amazing!

I've found myself looking around for new classes to try out and feel excited and perhaps a bit nervous, but there's always an excitement.

So I guess what I'm trying to impart here is that I've found the secret to losing weight:

I'm doing it in earnest.  I feel this change right to my very core.  While my turning point involved a physical activity, it was an emotional and mental clarity that just rang through to the deepest, darkest part of me.  All that baggage, all that sh*t that had me packing on the pounds in order to hide from the world became irrelevant, it didn't matter any more.  I'll still have to deal with some of those things, but they were no longer feeding on my insecurities.  I began to feel that I had worth, I was worthy of living and of living life to its fullest potential.

So here I am world!  I'm alive!

I Am a Compulsive Overeater...

Compulsive overeating, also sometimes called food addiction, is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship to food. Professionals address this with either a behavior-modification model or a food-addiction model.^[1] An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone -Wikipedia


I could have shortened that definition, but it wouldn't really cover the depth of this affliction.  This is also a very difficult blog to write, but sometimes, you just need to let it out and show the world your scars and stop hiding them.


I am a Compulsive Overeater.  It's what I would personally define as an eating disorder, though I'm not sure what its medical status is.  To me, its the opposite of anorexia and again, I've no clue what the medical folks would say to that, but to me personally that's what it feels like.  I can't remember what my relationship with food was like when I was younger, say younger than 13 or so, but I do remember at some point when I was in grade 7 or 8, my parents started making me have salads for lunch.


I also recall a time in class when I was colouring something on the floor and had to be bent over and I guess my butt crack was showin' cuz I garnered a couple snickers and giggles behind my back--literally.  I remember feeling uber embarrassed and while I wasn't fat at this point, I wasn't skinny either.  I was healthy, and perhaps had a little "puppy fat" on my frame.  It didn't necessarily help either that I really didn't like sports.  I was much more of a reader than a doer.  


Grade 8 was when I really started feeling pressure from my mom about weight.  She was obsessed with food and how much I ate, and how I looked in clothes and what it would mean if I went to High School overweight.  I remember walking about at the high school open house and stopping by at the cheerleading booth (I mean c'mon, EVERY girl wants to be a cheerleader!) and making the comment "Well I'd love to try out, but I'll have to lose some weight before fall".  WHO DOES THAT AT 13/14 YEARS OLD?!?!?!? My awareness of food as something to be guilty about was instilled in me already.


The biggest, most defining moment of my adolescence and probably the defining moment I had with my relationship to food occurred while trying on the high school uniforms.  I was 5'5/5'6" and 130lbs.  My mom refused to buy me a kilt because I was "too fat".  She used it as some sort of incentive to lose weight.  Instead of encouraging me to get involved in sports (I was involved with rowing, but only because mom and dad pushed me to and they definitely made it seem like more of a punishment than something to get excited about) she started harping on me about food.


If I ate a cookie, there'd be oinking noises thrown in my direction.


I was told nobody would want to "go out" with a girl like me in my physical condition.


What I realize now, nobody would want to "go out" with a girl like me in my then emotional/mental/self esteem condition.


My parents thought they were helping me by humiliating me, breaking me down and ruining my self-esteem.  All they did was humiliate me, break me down and ruin my self esteem.


It took many years for me to feel any type of self-worth.


So while I wasn't fat at the start of high school, the taunting and the obsessing from both my parents had the opposite of their desired effect on me.  Instead of watching what I was eating or getting more active, I would start to binge eat, often in private.  In my subconscious there was that feeling of "You think I'm fat?  I'll show you fat!".  But the food also had a comforting effect on me.  I fell in love with foods that had pleasing textures and sweet tastes.  To this day, I can't pass up a Nibs!  And as my waistline expanded, my self esteem plummeted.  When the odd guy would show some sort of interest in me, I wouldn't trust him or his affections.  I didn't think I deserved any type of love or affection since I obviously didn't deserve my parents love or affection.


Oh yeah, during this time my dad and I had a bit of a rocky relationship and my mom and I were constantly at loggerheads.  I blame the fact that she went through early menopause right when I hit puberty.  SOOOOOOOO not a good mix!  Looking back on all this, it hurts, but I also can see that my parents were coming from a place of love and concern for me.  Of course when you're a teenager, it seems like all the world is out to get you anyways, so when you don't really feel like you have the love and support of your parents, it seems like you're absolutely worthless.


Since the view I had of myself was crap, it comes to no surprise (now) that I had a tough time making friends in high school.  I tried to fit in with "cooler" groups, but would get rebuffed constantly.  Now I can look back and just kinda facepalm and say "no wonder!"


The phrase "You really have to love yourself before you can love someone else" is so true.  Once I began to accept myself for who I was: Awesome, fun, confident, responsible, reliable, talented, able, curvy and, yes, overweight- I was able to start on the long path to recovery to health.  I accepted that I was overweight, nay, obese (and well, still am but I'm workin on it) and while I didn't start losing weight right away, I was able to at least begin focusing and developing my positives.  As I saw more positives in me, others began to see more positives in me as well....especially my wonderful, supportive, cheerleader partner, Dave.  I use the word partner because he's so much more than just a boyfriend.  We are partners, he's in my corner and I in his.


I know this is a long post, but I just want to throw in a bit more on my folks.  While our relationship during my adolescence was quite dysfunctional, and while there still is quite a bit of hurt there, the healing and forgiveness has already begun.  I don't blame my parents any more, I recognize that they are human and that while they thought they were doing what was best for me, it did quite a bit of damage.  However, they also did a lot of good. They put me in piano, my mom let me do drama for a year as an extra thing in addition to piano, and let me get involved with the Drama Club at school.  This definitely helped make me more confident and a lot less shy.


 She also put me in German classes on the weekends and to this day I still have a love of languages.  Parenting is a tricky thing, and I know I gave my parents a big run for their money!  This is my attempt to not only purge, but also letting any parents out there know: you shape your kids in a BIG way.  We are all blunderers in this world, and shit happens but just make sure that your kid NEVER EVER doubts that you love them unconditionally and that you will support them in their endeavors.  


Luckily, by the time I went to University, my parents were becoming a lot more supportive. They let me decide what I wanted to go to school for (Radio & Television) and as I discovered and developed new talents, they were very supportive and encouraging.  As I have gotten older, my relationships with my folks have changed and blossomed.  There are some things I still don't get about them (man they can be certainly old fashioned in some regards!!) but I know they love me, and they know I love them.  There's no more angst, just sadness that so much time was wasted in anger, frustration and misdirection.  We move, onwards and upwards.


What defines us is how we'll rise when we fall.


I've risen to my challenges.  How bout you?

Why must it be all or nothing?

All or nothing.

It's an attitude that many folks in North America have, especially when it comes to weight loss.  It's why so many of us fail at losing weight and even more so at keeping it off.  We've all been there at the beginning, gung ho attitude, strict as hell with our diets and pushing pushing pushing our limits in the gym.  How long does that usually last?  A week? Two?  Maybe a month?  You do so well, pushing yourself, getting used to being uncomfortable at the gym, eating perfectly healthily and counting those calories, carbs and fats.  The weight just melts off you as it is wont to do at the beginning of any weight loss regimen.

And then something happens.

Maybe its a plateau, maybe its a birthday party, or just a weekend at the cottage or a dinner out.  You eat way too much, or haven't worked out and you ditch the diet or workout regimen and sliiiiiiiiiiide all the way back into despair and Twinkies.  The scale begins its inevitable creep back up, up, up and your self esteem sinks down, down, down.  The feelings of failure and ineptitude just wash over you and you realize that once more, you've failed.

I've been guilty of this more often than not.

When I started on this journey, I just gave-er.  I was all into it, and was so strict with my diet and of course the pounds seemed to melt off.  Then I hit a plateau after I had lost 20lbs.  I felt crushed.  I knew a plateau would occur, I just didn't think it would happen so quickly considering how much weight I had to lose yet.  I was furious with my body thinking "How DARE you plateau on me so soon!  We have SOOO much to lose, and here you are working against me already?!"  And of course, I was furious with myself.  I had begun to slide a bit on my diet, eating a bit more than I should...and that bit more was always of something sweet and totally not healthy.

As most of you know, actually probably all of you since you most likely got here through facebook, I post about my losses and not losses on facebook.  Its a bit of an accountability thing, but even more so for the cheering squad I have in my corner.  Honestly, I couldn't have stuck with this without all your support...it helps to keep me focussed and on target, so Thank You.

Anyways, I had posted that I was disappointed with my plateau and got so many responses telling me to stay focused and to not give up.  There were also a few of you who reminded me that I had just dropped 20lbs off my body and well, honestly, my body needed some time to adjust to that.  It made sense, especially when my partner, Dave, showed me a picture online that depicted just how much 10lbs of fat was.  Its quite a bit...and I had just lost two of them!  I stuck on target, and then started losing weight again just a bit more slowly than before.  Instead of 4-5lbs a week, I was dropping a modest but healthy 2lbs.  Thats to say nothing of the crazy amount of muscle I had shredded on my bod.

I also started being a bit more forgiving with myself.  If I had a bad day calorie wise, I didn't give up.  I just started looking forward, never back.  A bad day is a bad day and we all have those.  I'm allowed to slip, I'm allowed to mess up, and when I realize and acknowledge that I have done so, I dig in my heels and start climbing back up.  If there's one thing I've learned about myself, its that I'm extremely tenacious.

This time its different.

I know I can't keep eating the way I was eating.  Its not healthy nor is it sustainable.  I've also realized that I *can* have that piece of cake or french fry.  I just can't eat as much as I sometimes would like to.  That's okay.  There's also a wealth of different kinds of foods out there.  I'm pretty adventurous (except where seafood is concerned) so I'll try almost anything once.  Realizing how my food affects the functions of my body has been my biggest step forward.  An only slightly smaller one is discovering a joy of exercise. The more I can do, the better I feel.

I can feel the cold wind against my face as I whiz down the slopes on a snowboard already!

Coming up next time....

...dealing with the realization that I'm a Compulsive Overeater, and my relationship with food.

Why I'm So Darned Sore This Week...

Ouch.

'Tis the first thought that came to my mind when I stood up this morning.

Ouch.  Owie.  Oooowwww!

It's not just the stupid foot syndrome I suffer from (aka Plantar Fasciitis.  Look it up, it sucks!) but also a general sense of, well....Ouch.

Now of course some of you are thinking "Well, of course Amanda, you SHOULD be feeling a bit owie these days, you're working out.  It's a 'good' kind of pain." and its true, there was a bit of that but there was also a bit of "goddamnit, this just hurts!"

In the Jillian Michaels Body Revolution system, you work out 6 out of 7 days a week, for a half hour.  Two of those days are cardio specific days (and yes there's a Cardio DVD for each "Phase" or month of the program...and they're pretty deadly especially for foot impact) and the rest are a mix of cardio, abs and strength training.  It's a great mix, great workout, and I enjoy the sweating and blood pumping first thing in the morning.

 However for the past couple weeks, my weight loss has kinda slowed down and I also felt like I could use some "bonus" workouts just to throw in some extra calorie burning. On Monday, after the Workout 7 DVD, my hamstrings were super tight and my foot was bothering me so I decided to grab a yoga class if I got out of work on time.  My boss, being the super awesome human being she is, let me go early specifically so I could grab a yoga class!

I checked out a yoga studio that is in my neighbourhood (the Junction) called Breathe Yoga Studio.  Its a really nice, chill studio (then again what yoga studio isn't?) and the instructor was very helpful and instructive and not pushy telling us to go at our own pace.  After all that stretching, one would think my poor hammies would be feeling better, and you'd be wrong!  Still did my Tuesday routine, but added in some extra hamstring stretching to help ease my poor overwrought muscles!

 Wednesday morning, I did my cardio DVD and decided to finally give Spin a chance.  I knew it'd be challenging, but I felt that I was up to it and that it might be a fun cardio alternative, where I could be in a class setting and feel like I could just really give-er!

Oh boy, and I gave-er big time!  Pushed myself and kicked my butt.  Even had a bit of a side stich that I stretched and cycled through.  Didn't stop my legs moving the entire time.  Sometimes fell out of sync with the beat/speed that we were supposed to keep, but as my instructor told me "Worry about the different positions for your first time, speed will come later".  I still blasted it out when I could and tried hard to blast it out when I couldn't keep all the way up.

Today, my hammies are still a bit tight, but a lot less.  The most extreme pain however, is well...in the "delicate" area of where you sit on the bike seat.  I even had a gel cover on my seat and it hurt big time.  Towards the end of the class I was noticing some severe discomfort and was having a tough time keeping up not because I was wiped, but simply due to pain.  This morning, sitting up was a challenge.  Sitting down is even worse.  My sit bones are sore as hell.

And yet, I can't wait for my next class.

Who the hell am I and what have I done to me?!!

...it's so totally awesome!!!!

The Beginning...

So this past Christmas, my partner and I went to Vermont with his family for a few days of winter fun (aka Skiing).  I was very excited to try downhill skiing, but of course was a little worried because I was so out of shape.  I work in film & television in the production offices and, well, its not exactly a job that lends itself to healthy living between the sedentary nature of my job and the catered food!  It was decided since I had never downhill skied before, the best thing for me would be to do a 3 day intro course that came with a ski lift pass for the afternoons after my lessons.

Well!  First things first, I had to get kitted out with ski boots, skis and poles.  Problem #1 cropped up as I tried so very hard to do up the ski boots.  As some of you may know, I have very very tiny ankles and wrists (and therefore I am obviously small boned) however I have ridiculously large calves!  In the end I was able to do them up, but my heels weren't really touching the bottoms of the boots.  The skis and poles themselves weren't a problem.

Teaching the class was a jolly fella with quite the impressive beard.  He was patient and thorough and while I was getting the hang of the technique, there were many things my poor body was having issue with.  The boots for one were just absolutely excruciating, and then there was the whole "pizza/french fries" practice for starting up and slowing down.  My hips open pretty well to the outside, but barely at all to the inside.  What ended up happening was a slooooooow and extremely painful go down the bunny hill with my instructor holding my hands and telling me where to lean etc.  By the bottom of the hill I was in tears, between the boots which were causing some serious pain in my shins to my hips which were just saying "Aw HELLS no!" to the "pizza" stance.

I decided then and there that skiing was not for me.

That afternoon, I started snowboarding.

I was already pretty wiped from the morning and in a bit of pain in my shins (which took weeks to go away, I'm certain I did some significant internal bruising there!) but was determined to be able to enjoy SOME sort of outdoor winter sport.  I mean, c'mon, I had bought a pair of goggles!

My teachers for this first afternoon class were a couple of seriously "dude!" type snowboarders.  I believe one was named Kyle.  Maybe.  Anyways, they were very chill and knew that I had had quite the morning and since there was only one other girl in the class, we took it very slow and learned how to start and stop going down a very slight ....well bump really.  My legs were screaming by the end of that first day, but I was finally having fun and my poor shins were at least more comfortable-ish in the snowboarding boots.  Also, I gotta say the Snowboarder Swagger looks way more awesome than the silly Skier Shuffle. (Gotta take a jab at the Skiers since all of Dave's family were making jabs at me turning over to the darkside of Snowboarding!).

Fast forward two more days and my legs were WRECKED!  Since I'm a "regular" stance kinda gal (meaning I lead with my left leg), my left thigh was on fire...for those of you who don't know, in snowboarding, the leg you lead with gets the most weight put on it so you can control how fast you're going. Lean all the way back and you're slippin and sliding faster than that little mouse from Looney Tunes!  I was also at this point expected to be able to clip in both feet on the board and get up without any assistance at the top of the hill!  This was my breaking point.  My snowpants were rather tight round my midsection, and as such, bending over to do up my boots on the board was difficult and made me get out of breath.  Also, the getting up was extremely difficult.  While Dave and his family were impressed by my tenacity, I was embarrassed by my lack of physical fitness.  I decided that I needed to do something, and it needed to be a bit more drastic than Weight Watchers.  I didn't want to just drop pounds, I wanted muscle and I wanted to be fit.  Sooo....

TO THE INTERWEBS!

I had been intruiged by the Jillian Michaels website before, as its cost ($4/wk) was better than Weight Watchers, and I knew from the Biggest Loser that Jillian would definitely be the one who would kick my butt into shape!  However, it took a few more months before I finally committed to the program.  My friend Katie decided to do the 30 Day Shred, and I figured "Hey for $12, I can give that a shot!"  So I did.  I signed up for the site, started counting my calories and started the 30 Day Shred.  It was tough, and there were things I couldn't do, but by the end of the month I had finally progressed to the Level 2 workout.

Then I started noticing threads on the website talking about Jillians new workout system, the Body Revolution.  After hmming and hawing and debating in my head about the price, I caved and bought it.  I'm about halfway through now, and I've stuck to it.  I'm down 25lbs, and down over 4 inches in the waist and over 2 in the hips/butt area.  25lbs I may be down, but there's a long long road ahead of me.  I know this, and I'm ready for it.

A few things to know:

At my heaviest, I was 260lbs.

I'm now in the mid 230s.

I couldn't balance on one foot to save my life at the beginning of my journey.  I can now.

I still have issues with pushups and can only do the "girl" style, but I'm working on it.

I couldn't really make it down the bunny hill on my snowboard last year.

This year, I will.