Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Myth of the Self Confident Fat Girl

***Let me preface this by stating that the following by no means applies to every larger girl out there, its simply my truth and if there are others out there who feel the same, know that you are not alone!****

Once upon a time there was a girl who had become fat.

To the world she presented a smiling, funny, smart, outgoing self.

She had friends aplenty, but no boyfriend, but that was okay, because everything was okay!!!! With exclamation points!!!!

But when she was alone, in her room, her evil demons would come out to play.  Every evil word she'd had thrown at her would swirl about her head, echoing in her darkened room. Every dirty, mocking face she'd seen would float in front of her eyes and the evil things that had happened to her would scream for attention.  The words and the looks, said and unsaid, seen and unseen, every little imperfection actual or perceived would taunt her, feeding on her insecurity, eating her up inside.

Her perfectly happy, bubbly outside self felt rather..loose about her real self, which is why she began to eat in the first place.  All the space that had once been filled with the confidence and innocence of youth, before the ugly words and faces and bad things began to haunt her and eat her up inside was now empty.  She felt this emptiness profoundly and discovered that food would help her feel full.  It made the ugly things go away, and made her numb.

Numb she could deal with.  Numb was safe.

She travelled the world, seeking out places she had dreamed of, and some she hadn't.  She had experiences galore, but somehow they felt....empty.

That horrible, awful empty.  

Then one day, she met a someone.  This someone somehow saw the thin shadow that had become her real self, buried under the layers of fat that had become placeholders for her confidence, her trust in herself.  He could see the real her and more importantly, he liked what he saw.  Rather quickly, the two of them fell in love.  Rather slowly, but surely, she began to see herself as he saw her: Strong, truly funny, interesting, beautiful, intelligent, deserving of love, and confident.

She started to fill herself up inside, fill it with love, support, trust, and confidence and more. Soon she began to realize that there wasn't any room anymore for the fat. The security blanket-like armour she had surrounded herself with, that had kept her numb was no longer needed. She needed to shed it, as the love from her someone began a spark of feeling inside of her, and she no longer wanted the numb. She wanted to live her life fully, and knew that she could do it.

She began to excercise to shed that weight, she began to count her calories and eat better in general and found that when she indulged, she truly enjoyed it. However, she did come to realize that all that eating had caused her to become extremely addicted to bad foods and she consistently struggled with this one last demon. She hasn't yet defeated this one, but with the continued love and support of her someone, she always has someone to help her back on the wagon when she falls off.

And that is truly beautiful.

Thank you Dave, for being my someone.

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